56th FilmfarCe Awards

All that shines is Gold and all that is glossy is fine cinema. -Jury members of Filmfare awards

Highlights of the 56th Filmfare Awards:

• Piggy Chops showed off her amazing curves dancing to the songs of the only diva of Indian movie industry- Madhuri Dixit.

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• The frame was perfect and almost all my dreams came true when 3 of my dream girls- Desi Girl, Dhak Dhak Girl and 50 kg Tajmahal were in the same frame.
• Kareena was scorching hot and it will be a treat to everyman's eyes by next year as her clothes gets reduced to Size Zero with her body growing to Size 4.
• Katrina was seen laughing at many Hindi jokes which obviously she never understood.
• Sonakshi was asked to promise that she will not expose till the script demands. I am wondering which script in Bollywood has not demanded actresses to expose?
• Farah Khan did the Munni dance when Sheila won the award for Best Choreography. Very evident that she was trying to keep Arbaaz happy, coz she needs to choreograph for Dabanng-2 too.
• And then it was ceremoniously and unanimously decided to rename Filmfare Awards as Film FarCe awards from next year after the jury members decided to give away the main awards to the following:
• Best Director: Karan Johar…..My name is Karan and direction is not my cup of tea…sorry not my cup of Koffee.
• Best Actor: Shahrukh Khan…..My name is Kh kha kha kha Khan (from the epiglottis) and I am a bakra in disguise.
• Best Actor: Kajol…..Were the jury sleeping when Ishqiya was released?
• Best Movie: Dabangg…..Chulbul Pandey ne Jury members mey itne ched kardiye ke woh conphuzz ho gaye ki soche kahaan se aur paade kahaan se.
• Best Scene: Golmaal 3 (mirchi scene)…..Mirchi and cactus needs to be shoved all the way up of Jury members arse.
• Best Special Effects: (NOT GIVEN)…..Was ROBOT released in 2011 for not getting the award?
• Best Action: Vijayan Master (Dabangg)…..Jury members haven’t heard of a movie called “Transporter 1” from where all the action sequences for Dabangg were lifted.
• And in the end jury members decided to save their face, which incidentally looks like their arse, and gave few of the awards to the truly deserving.
• UDAAN:
  o Best Supporting Actor (Male) Ronit Roy
  o Best Film (Critics): Vikramaditya Motwane and Sanjay Singh
  o Best Screenplay: Anurag Kashyap and Vikramaditya Motwane
  o Best Story: Anurag Kashyap and Vikramaditya Motwane
  o Best Background Music: Amit Trivedi
  o Best Cinematography: Mahendra Shetty
  o Best Sound Design: Kunal Sharma


• ISHQIYA:
  o Best Male Playback Singer: Rahat Fateh Ali Khan - "Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji"
  o Best Lyricist: Gulzar- "Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji"
  o Critics Award for Best Performance: Vidya Balan



• LSD:
  o Best Editing : Namrata Rao
  o Best Sound Design: Pritam Das
  o RD Burman Award: Sneha Khanwalkar

The Filmfare Awards are presented annually to supposedly honour both artistic and technical excellence of professionals in the Hindi language film industry of India. But in reality Filmfare is all about REVEALING the Abundant Talent overflowing from the undersized clothes of the leading ladies in Hindi Movie industry. I watch this show diligently every year hoping Filmfare never realizes their mistake and continue to showcase this abundant talent available in our country. I would rather write more about glamour and less about the awards at Filmfare which is getting renamed as FILM FARCE awards from next year.

It has been 57 years since Filmfare awards were initiated and Bollywood is yet to learn that movies with the best storyline and great acting deserve awards and not just the box office results. Filmfare in South are way ahead in rewarding the best than their counterparts in north. Check Kanchivaram (Tamil), Pazhassi Raja (Malayalam), Eddelu Manjunatha (Kannada).

With just few weeks away from Oscars, forget the Khans and their Khandaans, enjoy pure creativity and the art of story telling and display of some of the best acting skills on the silver screen by Colin Firth, James Franco, Danny Boyle, Javier Bardem, Natalie Portman, Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Lee Unkrich.

Preparation for next year's Oscars: With Aamir Khan's Peepli [Live] not getting recognized in India or at the Oscars, it was decided to send Salman Khan's Dabangg-2 next year for the Oscars. Abhinav Kashyap wrote the story for Dabangg-2 within 60 seconds of the announcement (25 seconds faster than Dabanng-1). Karan and Shahrukh (who realised his name was Khan last year) announced to do My Name Is Khan-2(too) to give competition to Dabangg-2. And Sajid Khan was heard shouting "Kisika baap mera Housefull-2 ko Oscar jaane se nahin rokh sakta" as V V Chopra tried to calm everyone down by shouting "Shut Up" ,"Shut Up" ,"Shut Up".

Good Bad Ugly 2010- Hollywood

Great Scripts with unique story telling methods won the race in 2010.

Good ..... Must Watch

• Inception…..Dreams explained
• Shutter Island……Last minute shock
• Its Complicated……Treat to eyes
• Toy Story 3……Emotional
• Social Network……Zero to Hero
• Due Date……Hahahahahahaha
• How to train your dragon……Watch me fly one
• Expendables…..Nostalgic
• Knight and Day… I am still searching for my brains
• Up in the Air…Intelligent
  

Great Cast, Bad Story, Be happy you aint missing anything here

Bad and Ugly -2010

• RED……Never got Green signal from audience
• SALT……Tastes Bland
• Robinhood…….Shirish Kunder looted better
• Edge of darkness……Slow torture

Good Bad Ugly 2010 - Bollywood

Good Bad Ugly 2010

Movies with talented cast, unconventional scripts with a desi treatment stole the show in 2010. They took the risks and rewards just poured in.

Good ...Must Watch

1. Ishqiya - Sutli Bomb
2. Dabangg – I am still searching for my brains
3. Endhiran – Chitti Chitti Bang Bang
4. Love Sex aur Dhokha – Art of story telling
5. Raajneeti – Mahabharatha retold
6. Peepli [Live] – Reality at its best
7. Well Done Abba – Well done Boman
8. Atithi Tum Kab Jaoge? – Who doesn’t hate guests?
9. Tere Bin Laden – Small time wonder
10. Phas Gaye re Obama – Yes, we can
11. Rakht Charitra Part 1 – Bloody Entertainment
12. Rann….News Channels ki Vaat Laga di Mamu

All that shines is not Gold....and all that is glossy is not fine cinema...Movies with the same old treatment of glossy look saw no takers.

Bad and Ugly of 2010

• Teen Patti – Wrong Cards dealt
• Karthik Calling Karthik - Wrong number dialled
• Kites – Totally grounded
• Raavan – All 10 things went wrong
• Guzaarish – Humbly REQUEST SLB to stop making movies
• Prince – Vivek Oberoi in wrong COMPANY
• Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey – No time to play
• No Problem – Filled with problems
• Action Replayy – Not Again
• Anjaana Anjaani – Hope they remain Strangers
• Khatta Meetha – Tasted Bland
• Golmaal 3 – Maayaa Vo
• MNIK – Non Glossy films is not KJ’s cup of tea or should I say cup of Koffee
• Housefull – Theater empty
• TMK – Trash
• We Are Family - Nonsense

TMK- Trash It

Movie Piracy as defined by Bollywood – Illegally copying movies and selling pirated DVDs which has caused $1 bn loss to Indian entertainment industry.

But as per me Movie Piracy is illegally and shamelessly copying of movies for personal and commercial use (This includes the Bollywood industry shamelessly copying and profiting from the original creative art of non-hindi movies). When they can copy and make money out of it, why not Muniyandi in Burma Bazaar at Chennai or Riyaz in Hongkong Bazaar at Bengaluru selling pirated DVDs. Shamelessly copying scripts and calling it as “Inspired from” is an art developed easily in Bollywood. Check out a small list of Bollywood hits which were from copied scripts:

1. Partner from Hitch (English)
2. Ghajini from Ghajini (Tamil) which was copied from Memento (English)
3. Baazigar from A Kiss before dying (English)
4. Kambakth Ishq from Pammal K Sambandham (Tamil)
5. Golmaal – Fun Unlimited from Kakkakuyil (Malayalam)
6. Bheja Fry from LeDiner De Cons (French)
7. Swades from Chigurida Kanasu (Kannada)
8. Welcome from Mickey Blue Eyes (English)

I have prepared an exhaustive list of copied movies by Bollywood. I have had enough with these Bollywood….oops Copywood looters looting my hard earned money by selling me movies from copied scripts. It is time to loot the looters. From now on I will watch all these movies only on DVDs picked from Burma Bazaar / Hongkong Bazaar unless I have a very strong reason to watch it on big screen like TMK.

Main reasons for me to watch this copied movie on the big screen were:

1. Katrina Kaif
2. Katrina Kaif
3. Katrina Kaif
4. Katrina Kaif
5. Katrina Kaif
6. And more Katrina Kaif

Copied from 1966 Italian comedy Caccia alla volpe (After the Fox) starring Peter Sellers, Tees Maar Khan is a pile of garbage. In short, TMK is a story lifted by a group of looters called Shirish Kunder and Ashmith Kunder, of a looter called Tabrez Khan who are trying to loot your hard earned money. Farah Khan fails miserably due to a silly storyline developed by her husband with silly and repetitive jokes on movie industry. Shirish and Ashmith are the latest to join the list of Bollywood jokers who have no sense of script writing or story telling. You get tired hearing to Khanon mey Khan Tees Maar Khan being repeated after almost every dialogue by Akshay Kumar.

God definitely took a very long time to make this PERFECT ITEM GIRL, but in the process He Himself was so mesmerized by her beauty, he forgot to put acting skills into her. Filled with dangerous curves, acting skills was never a requirement. Kat sizzles in every scene and is at her seductive best, puts the screen on fire with her perfectly toned hot body. Temperatures soar high with her curvy hip swaying and bosom thumping to every beat in Sheela Ki Jawaani and Bade Dilwala. It is a treat to your eyes and I am sure Madhuri and Saroj Khan will be more than happy to handover the “Dhak Dhak Girl” title to Kat. Katrina does a Marilyn Monroe with her skirt flying and her superbly waxed legs do the trick. My eyes popped out and I had to fix them back into their sockets after this scene. Watch it and you would end up saying, wish there was a little bit more wind.

Every character is a buffoon in the movie. Raghu and Rajiv, the bald twins are tied at hip literally and speak every dialogue in sync, Akshay’s sidekicks shouting “Boss” at the drop of the hat, Kat acting her natural self as the dumbo bimbo and even talented actors like Akshaye Khanna and Ali Asgar have been portrayed as cartoon characters. Akshay Kumar's histrionics have become boring and he needs to try something new to stay afloat. Movie tries to create a spoof on many Hollywood and Bollywood movies, directors and actors and fails miserably. A spoof on Manoj Night Shyamalan as Manoj Day Ramalan and headless killer from “Sleepy Hollow” movie are the low points of the movie. And the worst part is Shirish Kunder takes Oscar award for the music, story and screenplay while Farah does the Munni dance in the end. It’s a disaster no wonder.

Watch Hotshots series, Scary movie series and Naked Gun series to know how to make good and interesting spoof movies. OR Watch Italian Job,The Sting and Ocean Eleven series to know how to make Con movies

Watch TMK only for Katrina and her awesome body and rest everything is trash.

Think About It: Who is the most talented among Aamir Khan, Naseruddin Shah and Katrina Kaif?
I vote for Katrina. Both Aamir and Naseruddin need a good story, good screenplay, and some great acting. But all Katrina needs to do is drop her clothes in front of the camera and the trick is done.

TMK and Tourist - Perfect Christmas Gift

What else can you ask for when you have been presented with the perfect gift to celebrate Christmas in this cold weather with 2 super hotties scorching the screens...The heat is all set to engulf you...Get set to enjoy with Sheila ki Jawaani in TMK and Super Hot Angelina Jolie in The Tourist this weekend. Reviews will follow once my hormones reach normal levels, till then I would have attained blissful state with an overdose of Testosterone.

Have a blast and Merry Christmas . And don't forget to sing the Christmas carol alongwith Barney Stinson (sing in "We wish you a Merry Christmas" tune) " I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, I wish I could see her naked, and down on all fours" and lo and behold my child your wish will be fulfilled in "The Tourist".

Golmaal-3 (Nonsensically funny)

Ayyeee Oookh Aaale….aa blum….aaphlupk aaphlupk…aayeeyey aayeyeye….aaye oranayi oranayi maaya vo

If you think that the above dialogue is nonsense, think again because you guys made the first 2 installments of Golmaal series a hit with these kinds of dialogues. The third installment is no different and is as nonsensically funny as the first two. Get set to meet Gopal, Madhav, Lakshman, Lucky and Vasooli again teaming up with La La La Lakshman, Dabboo, Pappu and Guddi put up a buffoon act .

This is the story of Pappu (Mithun da) and Guddi (Ratna Pathak). Pappu and Guddi were lovers once upon a time whose marriage was not allowed by Guddi’s father Prem Chopra. They happen to meet at Goa after about 30 years when their kids have a fight and decide to rekindle their lost love. With Dabboo’s (Kareena) help they get married. Guddi’s sons Gopal (Ajay Devgn) and La La La Lakshman (Shreyas Talpade) and Pappu’s sons Madhav (Arshad Warsi), Lakshman (Kunal Khemu) and Lucky (Tusshar Kapoor) are sworn enemies and continue to get back at each other forgetting that their father and mother have got married now. And then there is Puppy Bhai (Johnny Lever), Daga (Sanjay Mishra) and Teja (Vrijesh Hirjee) who have stolen Maharani’s necklace and hidden it in Pappu’s necklace. And Vasooli (Mukesh Tiwari) tries to woo Chintu (Ashwini Kalsekar).

Gods must be smiling on Ashtavinayak Productions and Rohit Shetty as Golmaal 3 is the first Hindi movie trilogy even when something new has not been offered. Rohit Shetty has not learnt any new jokes even after being on Comedy Circus with some amazing standup comedians like Ali, VIP and Kapil. But it is Sudhir Mishra with his misspelt English words and Johnny Lever with his short term memory loss who make you laugh. Mithun puts his comedy foot forward and does a good job as Pritam alias Pappu caught between various fights. The conversation with Prem Chopra and Mithun da is funny when Prem Chopra asks “Kahan Raja Bhoj aur kahan gangu theli?” to show the difference in status and Mithun replies “ Mujhe pata nahin ki woh dono kahan hai”. The movie is funny in bits and parts. Rohit tries to bring in a nostalogia of yesteryear songs with Mithun’s “Disco Dancer” number but the scenes look stupid. But that’s the USP of the movie with everyone acting like buffoons and being stupid. The only other reason to watch the movie is the hot Kareena.

Music and dialogues are not worth mentioning. Screenplay is loose as every scene is a like a gag played on the characters. Rohit makes a fool of himself as he tries to make fun of Kareena and Shahid’s relationship, fun of Ekta Kapoor and many others in the movie fraternity.

Watch this if you no other choice or wait for sometime and it will surely premiere on Colors / Sony channel soon. I suggest its better to watch the original comedy Golmaal starring Amol Palekar and Utpal Dutt.

Till then try and decipher this dialogue from the trilogy “Ayyeee Oookh Aaale….aa blum….aaphlupk aaphlupk…aayeeyey aayeyeye….aaye oranayi oranayi maayaa vo”

Rakht Charitra - 1 (Bloody Entertainment)

Lance Armstrong was diagnosed with testicular cancer in 1996. When the whole sports fraternity wrote him off, he bounced back and won Tour De France championship for 7 times in a row from 1999-2005. And now King of Goontimes has survived the dud-movie cancer he was diagnosed with and is back with a Bloody, Violent and a gritty story.

Let me remind all people who had written him off, Ramu makes a violent comeback with the first installment of Rakht Charitra, based on the true violent story of Paritala Ravi. Pratap Ravi (Paritala Ravi or Vivek Oberoi) comes back to Anandpur to avenge his father’s gruesome death. Both Ravi and his barbaric opponent Bukka Reddy (Abhimanyu Singh) take turns in killing members of each other’s group in one of the most gruesome manner ever seen in Indian movies with hands being chopped, head chopped in sugarcane grinder, head crushed with boulders and blood splurting all over the screen. Bukka reddy is evil personified. He is ruthless, kills everyone who comes in his way and even succeeds in scaring away NTR (Shatrughan Sinha), filmstar turned politician, from conducting a political campaign at Anandpur. Ravi joins hands with NTR and history is written with one of the worst rowdy known in AP becoming a minister. Ravi and his team devise a plan and kill Bukka reddy in a lodge in Hyderabad. And the movie ends abruptly with Suri (Surya) attacking Ravi’s convoy with a bomb only to be continued in the second installment.

Unconventional camera angles, loud background music mixed with a Sanskrit sloka, rusty look on characters marks the signature style of the talented Ramgopal Varma. Ramu is the undisputed king of Underworld, violence and dark movies. Its pure art on screen with Ramu enjoying penetrating deep into the dark territory he owns even when this remains a virgin territory for most directors in India. I shall say again “The King of Goontimes is back”. The killing sequences are done with violent grace as Ramu enjoys the moments with the audience left disturbed and amazed. Screenplay is crisp and gripping. Dialogues are minimal but it is the intense expressions and mannerisms of the characters which makes the movie a gripping watch.

Vivek Oberoi as Ravi is serious about his character does a good job and reminds you of his work in Company and Shootout at Lokhandwala. Shatrughan Sinha as NTR is enigmatic and yet funny each time he says “Topic Over”, but it is Abhimanyu Singh as Bukka reddy and Kota Srinivas Rao as Nagamani who make the movie worth the watch. Abhimanyu as the barbaric blood thirsty and lust hungry Bukka reddy with amazing animalistic performance bites well into the meaty role offered. He was awesome in Gulaal, and he is better in RC-1. I hope we get to see more of this talented actor in coming days. He leaves an indelible impression on you with his mannerism when he plays with a toy elephant or when he licks the gun or when he stares at a kidnapped lady’s bosom. Sudeep, Sushant singh and Ashish Vidyarthi do a good job in their small role.

Ramu moves from Govinda Govinda in Sarkar to Nagendrahaaraya in RC-1.This sloka keeps repeating throughout the movie with every killing. This may be the director’s way of reminding everyone to remember God at the time of death. The background music is very loud along with a cacophonic song featuring Sukhwinder Singh. This cacophonic music gels well to the rustic look and violent feel of the movie.

RGV said KANK (which is based on a non-sensical emotion called Love) is the scariest movie he has ever seen. Go and watch RC-1 with the Purest form of emotion called Vengeance which definitely lives upto its name. A must watch for all diehard Ramu fans.

I just can’t wait for more bloody art in the second installment with Surya and Priyamani.

Think About It: BJP is thirsty for Congress members’ blood after watching RC-1 on first day first show at Adarsh Society through 2G spectrum. They butchered Ashok Chavan and A.Raja and now they will not stop till they drink PM’s blood. Its time Congress members watched RC series.