Chaalis Chaurasi - Review

"A group of Donkeys led by a Lion can defeat a group of Lions led by a Donkey".

                                                                                                           - Socrates

It was 2004, I was introduced to Hriday Shetty through "Plan", remake of Hollywood comedy "Suicide Kings", with Dino Morea, Bikram Saluja and Rohit Roy in the lead. With donkeys all around it was perfect setting for a disaster .

Come 2012, Hriday has selected four Lions from the industry into his team. Nasseruddin Shah, Atul Kulkarni, Kay Kay Menon and Ravi Kishen And Socrates is proven right again.

The van numbered 4084 (Chaalis Chaurasi) is supposedly the main character of the movie (Was it really!). All four characters look as if they jumped right out of Sajid Khan's nonsensical movies, each trying to overdo the other with their buffonery. The foreplay by these four plays at such a slow pace that it could not be enjoyed. Even the two bimbos in two item numbers could not help the disaster in making.

Four friends plan a heist and things go haywire (believe you me everything here went haywire). What could have been an edge of seat thriller is reduced to a farce. Ek Chaalis ki last local had the right amount of comedy, tension and suspense along with with a hint of naughtiness created by Abhay Deol and Neha Dhupia. Chaalis Chaurasi lacks everything and is a hotchpotch recipe by Hriday Shetty. The scenes seemed that they would never end. Even though a heist movie, there was never a moment of tension. The comedy scenes would give a tough competition to Sajid Khan's movies which donot make you laugh either.

Donot waste your precious time and money on this. Wait till a Lion leads a pride of Lions.

Movie Calendar - 2012

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Tips for the Year
January

• Chaalis Chauraasi - The Cast is stronng enough to drag you to the theaters. Nasseruddin Shah, Kay Kay Menon, Atul Kulkarni and Ravi Kishen.
• Man on a Ledge - Sam Worthington stands on the ledge and keeps you on the edge of the seats.
• Coriolanus - Imagine if a Spartan and Lord Voldermort were to join hands to make a period movie.
• Haywire - Steven Soderbergh the Genius is Back
• J Edgar - Leonardo Di Caprio tests new waters again and excels.
• Agneepath - Can a cult movie ever be remade. I doubt it, but watch this for sexy Katrina as Chikni Chameli and Priyanka Chopra. 

February:

• Gali Gali Chor Hai - Can Akshay Khanna finally get launched
• Ek Mein Aur Ek Tu - Lets Learn how to screw up a fine script from Hollywood
• Ek Deewana Tha - It was a game changer for Simbu in Tamil version , will it be the same for Prateik Babbar
• Shanghai - Can Dibakar and Abhay say Oye we are Lucky again
• Money Ball - Brad Pitt in a different avatar
• Star Wars - Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace 3D - Exclusively for Star Wars fans
• The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo - Though a remake of Swedish Movie, its worth it
• Ghost Rider - Spirit of Vengeance - Added to the list only for Nicolas Cage

March 

• Kahaani - Its Awesome - Vidya Balan is pregnant again and she doesnot know who the father is?
• Agent Vinod - Hope it releases in April
• Blood Money - Kunal trying his best to establish as a dependable actor
• London, Paris, Newyork - Get ready to ROFL with Ali Zafar

April 

• The Pirates - Band of Misfits - Its Salma Hayek all the way
• Titanic 3D - Who doesnot want to watch Kate Winslet in 3D , as a matter of fact I want to watch her in 4D
• Kyaa Super Kool Hai Hum - My Kinda movie
• Housefull 2 - Watch this for Bollywood bimbos in skimpy clothes
• Ferrari Ki Sawaari - Sharman - Wishing you the best
• Jannat 2 - Emraan do what you do the best
• Tezz - Copy of "Speed" with Indian Masala

May

• Rock the Shaadi -Dare miss a Abhay deol movie?
• Gangs of Wasseypur - Anurag Kashyap the Genius
• The Avengers - Watch all your super heroes get together for the first time
• MIB - 3 - Never Say Never to Will Smith

June

• Madagascar 3 - Europe's most wanted - Your favorite animals are back
• Talaash - Aamir please make more than one movie a year
• Rowdy Rathore - Will Sonakshi expose as much as Anushka Shetty did in the original Vikramarkudu
• Teri Meri Kahaani - This one to be seen just for Priyanka

July

• The Dark Knight Rises - Chritopher Nolan is God
• Bol Bachchan - Can it match upto the standards of Golmaal (Original)
• Barfii - Will Ileana show her " acting skills" as much as she does in South Movies
• Zila Ghaziabad - Sanju Baba and Arshad are back

August

• The Expendables -2 - Gods of Action Movies , all in one movie
• The Bourne Legacy - Can this work without Matt Damon
• Total Recall - Colin Farell
• Ek Tha Tiger - Watch this for Katrina
• Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai-2 - Will Ileana show her " acting skills" as much as she does in South Movies
• Joker - Hope Shirish has not made a dud like TMK again
• Raaz 3 - Get set to get intimate with Jacqueline and Bipasha

September

• Heroine - Watching Kareena in Size 3 is worth your money
• Finding Nemo - 3D - Exclusively for fans of the original

October

• Department - Ramu cannot go wrong when paired with Big B
• Gangster Squad - Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling give tough competition to Ramu's Department

November

• Race 2 - Donot miss the opportunity of checking out the Girl with Long Legs
• Son of Sardar - OMG! Sonakshi again...well I dont mind
• Khiladi 786 - And OMG! Ileana again....I never did mind
• Matru Ki Bijlee ka Mandola - Vishal Bharadwaj the genius

December

• Dabangg 2 - Will this work without Abhinav Kashyap's stupid script.
• Jism 2 - First Day First Show to check out Sunny (Hott) Leone

 *Check back for updated list

Players (Abbas Mustan..Please stick to the Original script)

"Good Artists Copy, Great Artists Steal"

                                          - Steve Jobs

Steve Jobs never knew that Bollywood Director Duo Abbas Mustan are neither Good Artists nor Great Artists, yet they Copy and Steal shamelessly from Hollywood hits.

Shamelessly copied from Hollywood:

• Baazigar - A Kiss Before Dying
• Daraar - Sleeping with the enemy
• Baadshah - Nick of time
• Ajnabee - Consenting Adults
• Taarzan the wonder car - Christine
• Humraaz - A Perfect murder
• 36 China Town - Once Upon a Crime
• Aitraaz - Disclosure
• Naqaab - Dot the I
• Race - Goodbye Lover
• Players - Italian Job

First they rip-off an English Blockbuster and then rip apart the complete script and screenplay. Imagine movies with a screwed up storyline and the so called actors who struggle to act and emote. A complete disaster. Only saving grace and some worth to your money are the bimbos in skimpy clothes shaking everything they got on screen for no reason.

I have always been taught not to waste too much money on china ka maal and Abbas Mustan movies. And I say the same to you...

Stop Wasting your hard earned money on duplicate maal. Rent the original and watch the masterpieces.

Sherlock Holmes - A Game of Shadows (An Offer you cannot refuse)

"I'm gonna make him an offer he cannot refuse."

                                                      - Don Vito Corleone

Guy Ritchie offers a treat to the senses which you cannot refuse. Guy Ritchie has prepared a full course meal for all fans hungry for great action suspense thrillers.

Guy Ritchie carved a niche segment and redefined the art of making action-comedy thrillers with "Snatch", "Rock 'n Rolla" and " Lock Stock and Two Smokin' barrels". He is back with a bang and is in full form after a slow start from the first installment of Sherlock Holmes franchisee.A rare phenomena where a sequel is way better than the original and is worthy in all terms. 

Welcome to the world of Guy Ritchie. Tickle your senses with a great mix of a strong storyline, great performances by Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law and an awesome visual treat of London, Paris and Switzerland. And the trademark Guy Ritchie hyper -kinetic action sequences and witty dialogues will just blow your mind away.

The world's best detective with a curse who sees everything returns along with his side kick Dr. Watson. Sherlock and Watson travel across Europe playing the Game of Shadows all the way from London through Paris and through Switzerland to save the continent from a war schemed by the soft spoken evil Professor Moriarty. The chemistry between the ecstatic and psychotic Holmes and Watson makes the whole journey even better and more exciting.

Go on and treat your senses to the sumptuous dose of entertainment.A great way to start the New Year and its worth every dime you spend.


Think About It : Who is better - The creator Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or the creation -Sherlock Holmes?

Best and Worst of 2011

2011 began with a hangover of Sheila Ki Jawaani and ends with the thumkas of Chikni Chameli. 2011 had its ups and downs while some set the screen on fire and some put the industry to shame, .

Chammak Challo and Silk Balan blew our mind when they shook their booty. Imran and team gave a hit from shit. A Bollywood Hero became a Hollywood Extra. Internet Servers crashed when Indian Audience tried to checkout the "Acting skills" of Bigg Boss's latest entrant Sunny (Hot) Leone. And national anthem of the country was changed overnight Di.

Head turners of 2011

• Delhi Belly - Even when Shit Happened I was Rolling on the Floor laughing
• Fast Five - Feel the speed Feel the rush
• Pyaar Ka Punchnaama - Behind every unsuccessful man is also a woman
• The Devil's Double - Stupendous acting
• Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara - Story of our lives
• Dirty Picture - Her Boobs couldnot stop staring at my eyes
• Shor in the City - The Darkhorse
• Kolaveri Di - Took charge from DK Bose as the latest National Anthem
• Chammak Challo - Babu Rao too danced when Kareena danced
• Sunny(Hot) Leone - Best thing to happen to Indian Small Screen...and is the Future Coach for Indian Cricket Team...Fine Leg and Deep Mid Wicket are her favorite positions
• Chikni Chameli  - "Shake that biscuit Baby ! Shake it for me"
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows -2 - A great way to end

Dump Them

• Mission Impossible 4 - Ghost Protocol - Tom Cruise has lost it
• Anil Kapoor - A Jhakaas performance as an extra in Hollywood
• Game - What a Shame
• Desi Boyz - WTF
• Don 2 - Gone too
• Ra.one - Ra.gone

Don-2...You can miss this too

Don Ka Intezaar gyaraah mulkon ki police kar rahi hai, mein bhi kar raha hoon, mujhe Ra.one aur Don -2 ke paise vaapas chahiye.

Tom Cruise forgot the signature scenes of MI series in MI-4 and Farhan shamelessly copies these scenes and a collage of scenes  from Matrix, Ocean's 11 and The Rock series onto Don-2 and presents a dragging storyline with no substance.
             

          Don-2 The King is Back, turn your backs to the King.

The movie begins from an island in Thailand and travels to the prison in Malaysia and moves on to end at Berlin. Boman and SRK escape from the prison in Malaysia and plan a heist at Berlin. The car chase and a jump from the Berlin building are the highlight of the movie. These scenes are a toddlers step by Bollywood to make a real action thriller. The rest of the movie is no different from any other Indian Movie (all hype no substance). Die Hard was set in a single building and it keeps you at the edge of the seats till the end of the movie even today.The second half set in a Bank in Berlin kills your patience with its endless and slow pace.

Music is average, story is boring, Boman and Kunal Kapoor's potential is wasted, Priyanka's large lips covers  the screen more than her, Lara Dutta doesnot offer us much. All the cheesy dialogues and the screen space belongs to SRK all through the movie. A perfect recipe to give it a miss.

And if you still decide to go for the movie, donot miss the song sequence when the credits roll at the end of the movie. Seeing Priyanka getting down on all her fours in 3D is worth your 2 1/2 hours of patience.

Think About It: With such a boring narration - "Don - 2 ka hit hona mushkil hi nahin naamumkin hain"

Mission Impossible - Ghost Protocol (Tom Cruise has lost it)

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves a grinding torture for 2 hours in your favourite movie hall.
                                                 -Agent Ethan Hunt

Tom Cruise has completely lost it. He makes it a Mission Impossible for us to watch the worst of the installments of the MI-series. The action sequences have been conceptualized to the minutest of the detail, beautifully shot and adeptly edited to make you sit at the edge of your seat. As the action sequences push you to the edge of the seat, the lame dialogues and forced sub plots force you to walk away from the dragging storyline.

Action sequence start from the rooftop of a building in Budapest and moves on to the prison in Moscow and rides on the windows of the world's tallest building in Dubai before ending in a parking lot supposedly located in India. Tom Cruise has forgotten everything from choosing the right director (John Woo was the best in MI-2), to the right co-producer (Paula Wagner) to the right sidekicks (Ving Rhames appears only in the end for less than 2 minutes) except the best action team.

Brad Bird is the worst choice as the director. His animation movies Ratatouile and Incredibles are one of my favourite movies, but his first action venture doesnot live upto the hype created. The next worst choice is Anil Kapoor as the Billionaire from Mumbai. Even the gloves used to climb the world's tallest building seems to have been picked from the china market.

Mr.Hunt, Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves in getting John Woo back as the Director, Paula Wagner as the Co-Producer and Ving Rhames as the sidekick.  And Every search for a hero must begin with something which every hero requires, a villain. So, choose your villain wisely next time.

Watching MI-4 was Mission Impossible for me. The movie poster says, No Plan, No Backup, No Choice. Well you have  a choice, stay back home, rent MI-2 dvd and enjoy the adrenaline rush.


Think About It: If Tom Cruise ends up choosing the wrong crew again for MI-5, the franchisee will self-destruct in the next 5 seconds.